Why even grow up?

When I was a kid I couldn’t wait to grow up. I was so excited for all the milestones. 16 – I can drive, 18-I’m an adult, 21 – I can drink and go to bars with my friends. Basically I just couldn’t wait to be a grownup and not have anyone tell me what to do. I was ready for the responsibility part of it, but wanted to be able to make my own decisions. I think this is a pretty common thought. Surely I’m not alone.
Then I became a wife. All of a sudden I had someone to answer to to and make decision with. A lot of times I had to do things I didn’t want to do but I did it. It was a learning experience but I felt like it was a growing experience. It was time to not be so darn selfish. Plus that whole wife obeys the husband command from God always had hanging over my head! Sometimes I’m seriously sick or do have a headache!!!! I’m not trying to be selfish or disobedient!
Then I became a mother, a huge learning curve. The way I found easiest to handle this learning curve was to not fight it. I had to forget who I was before. Forget all the things I used to do, and do them in a moments notice if I wanted to. I was responsible for another human being, my life revolved around him. I didn’t mind it one bit. I never knew my heart could hold so much love, but God knows what he is doing. If he hadn’t done that I’m not sure if the constant feeding, living on a few hours of sleep, and the diapers. If that love is not there, I’m not sure how well all that would go. I remember on a 3:00 A.M. feeding, I was not upset at all about being rudely woke up. I just remember feeling grateful for our quiet alone time and feeling like the luckiest person in the world.
Here I am 3 boys later. One with Asperger’s and one with ADHD and my youngest in the middle of all the craziness. Now I’m finally questioning, why was I so excited to grow up? Don’t get me wrong, I would not change a thing. I love being a wife and mother. It’s that God gave us this wonderful thing some call a motherly instinct. I think of it as Him telling me the right thing to do. That voice is screaming at me right now and I feel completely helpless to obey it. The anxiety and depression with my son with Asperger’s has gotten worse. He now has a panic attack ever time he goes to school. He is scared to death to go, and I don’t blame him one bit. I would be scared too. That’s big time stuff for an adult to handle, and he’s 10. But I’m still pushed to send him to school. My husband still won’t let me pull him out and homeschool him. He thinks he should be able to tough it out. I feel like ever time he goes he is getting further damaged psychologically. On the days he goes I get calls from the school trying to get him in there. I hate even answering the phone. The school makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong and that I’m a bad parent for not forcing him to go. They have now agreed to have him go 1/2 days. His first day was yesterday. I got the call again, he had another panic attack. It makes me feel so awful for putting him through it. I feel like a bad parent for sending him to school. He is completely happy when he is home. He has fun,smiles, talks, has his friend over and loves doing the things he loves to do. But the second he even thinks about going to school the anxiety returns. Poor kid, I wish what I thought about growing was true. He would have never gotten this bad and he’d never have to worry about school again.

Virtual school???

Because of my 10 yr old’s struggle with severe anxiety this year, I am determined to homeschool next year. My husband won’t agree to it. I think he may compromise on a virtual charter school. In Indiana we have k12 and Connections Academy. I have been researching like a crazy woman! I want to get all my facts together so I can successfully win my case! If any of you have a comment about this please do! I would love to hear from you. I keep going back and forth between the 2 schools. Right now I am leaning toward k12 because I have heard great things from other parents with kids with Asperger’s or another form of autism. One mom told me they even have a virtual social skills program and they come to her house for OT. I was shocked. My son doesn’t receive social skills at our public school. And I thought I had everything I could get on his IEP. Sign up for the schools start next month and I want to sign up ASAP. I’ll let you know what happens!
Also, wanted to let you know of a yahoo group I use. It is aspergers support. I would encourage any parent with an AS child to join. It has been a blessing. I can go on there for advice and reading through the posts makes me feel like I’m not all alone.
Have a wonderful day! And thank you so much for stopping by!

Just, a quick update. I enrolled him in K12. I am super excited and can’t wait for this school year to be over!

Thankful

After my post last night I realized it was a great time to “let go and let God.” If anyone knows the secret to doing this please let me know! I think we are all just control freaks. In the middle of such craziness, it’s hard to just hand it all over and not worry anymore. But I am going to try my best to trust in Him and relax a little.
I think one of the most important things in life is to remain thankful as much as possible. On most days I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I became that way when God chose me to be my kids’ mother. They are the greatest gift I have ever been given. Every day I spend with them is a blessing. Although having one with Asperger’s and one with ADHD can be very challenging at times, I wouldn’t change a thing. I will always strive to be the best person and mother that I can be for them.
So, today is an official thankfulness day at my house!

At a loss……

I have had so much going on lately, I’m not sure where to begin. First I will follow up on my last post. I had my 7 year old evaluated at the children’s hospital for ADHD. They diagnosed him with that as well as oppositional defiant disorder. I thought I was prepared for that but I wasn’t. I fell into a dark pit for a while. I felt very overwhelmed by the thought of how to raise my kids the best I can. After climbing out of my pit, I went into mega research mode. That is how I commonly deal with things. I read and read until I’m a walking Wikipedia. The news also made me feel very lonely. I knew other parents with kids with Asperger’s or ADHD. But I don’t know anyone with both. Plus, my husband is in denial so I can’t talk with him about it. So, it’s me and my iPad spending late nights researching.
During the birth of our new label, my son with Asperger’s had been having a lot of problems with anxiety. It has been going on most of the school year and has been progressively getting worse. He hates school so much. We have been blessed with a great school with great kids. There have been no bullying issues, thankfully. But he is miserable there. I have kept everyone involved with him at the school updated on his anxiety. We changed his IEP to give him breaks throughout the day and to avoid stressful times. Several other things where added. None of it worked. Then a dark cloud of depression started to hover over him. It is hard to watch anyone go through depression, this is my 10 year old son. It is the most helpless I have felt as a mother. One morning while the kids where getting ready for school, I found him covered up in the fetal position with tears streaming down his face. I could not make him go. I felt horrible for him. I started pushing my husband to let me homeschool him, he still would not agree. He wanted to see a psychiatrist about an antidepressant and get him on a shorter school week. We had our conference at school, but they would not agree to it only modifications to his IEP. My son and I had a good cry after that meeting. Then we started the medication. Ugh……. I dreaded it. But if it improved his quality of life it was worth it. Although, I felt like we where drugging him to go to school. 1 week after starting the med he told me he should stop taking it because he had been thinking a lot about suicide. He said he wasn’t thinking about actually doing it, just thinking about it. Thankfully, we had an appointment with the psych the next day. She thought it might just be obsessive thoughts and to keep a close eye on him. I kept him home from school for 2 days because I wanted to be close to him at all times. He was doing fine. I was feeling a lot of pressure from the school to get him there. I reluctantly sent him and he was fine with going (although he still hated it). I received a call from the school that afternoon, he had 2 panic attacks. I was horrified!!!! I immediately picked him up. I called the psych, she said to half his dose. I called him in to be absent today. The nurse then called me back and told me that I need to hog tie him, flip him over my shoulder and bring him in screaming and crying to get him there. Needless to say I did not appreciate the lack of sympathy at all! I then emailed the principle to let him know of the situation, what the nurse said and that he would not be in tomorrow. After all this my husband still will not let me pull him out of school.
I feel completely helpless. There’s nothing more I can say.

Another label

My 10 year old son was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome when he was 3. I honestly was thankful for the diagnoses after the initial shock. It made me realize that his symptoms where not a cause of my insufficient mothering skills. It also helped me be a better mother to him because I better understood him. He is now so smart and such a wonderful and good person. There are still difficult times of course but I love who he is and would not change a thing.
My 7 year old has had a lot of behavior issues in school and at home. It has really put a lot of stress on our family life. I try so hard to raise all of them to be good people, to keep the Lord close to them and have good morals. He is not taking that road at all. As a matter of fact today he said I am the funniest, baddest, most awesome kid in my whole school. what?!?! I asked him what he meant by bad he said ” I’m mean to other kids, don’t listen to my teachers, do things I’m not supposed to do and don’t pay attention in class.” He is in 1st grade! Let me pause here and say that we have a wonderful public school here. We live in a small rural town and the teachers and staff are amazing. But I feel very strongly about homeschooling my kids, for this very reason. I want my kids to be learning from there family environment not there peers. My husband does not agree with this, so I just keep praying that he will change his mind. Ok, back on track, a few weeks back I got a call from his teacher informing me that he got angry with a little girl and stabbed her in the arm with a crayon and scraped it all the way down her arm. There was no disciplinary action taken at school for this. I disciplined him at home but I was not happy that the school did nothing. Therefore, I called the principal for a meeting. She then sent paperwork home for us to fill out and scheduled a meeting. When we arrived I was shocked that there where 8 others in the meeting as well. The school psychologist and several others including teachers. We where told that they can not officially diagnose anything but they feel he has ADHD. They recommended we take him to our family doctor for a diagnosis.
When my husband and I left he told me not to call the doctor, he does not want him labeled. I’m not really sure how to handle this. Hearing that he has ADHD does not shock me at all. He does meet most of the criteria. I just want to know how to help him. I’m confused and a little lost right now.

Review of Tonka Ricoche Trickster

I received this cool looking rc car for being a Buzz Agent to try out. It sounded like fun and I was excited to get something my 3 boys could try out.
We charged it up and the kids and my husband gave the Tonka trickster a try. First thing we noticed it doesn’t have a very long range. You have to have the remote very close to it for it to work at all. Then came the jumps-that was the fun part. First the kids made some ramps then came the small set of stairs. It held up great! Way to go Tonka! It does seem like a very sturdy toy. It has to be to make it in this household. The next day my son wanted to take it with us to a friends house. He used it just a little. We where outside most of the time and it is not an outside toy. We came home and I put it on the toy shelf in the closet. That was 2 months ago and there has been no interest in it at all.
So, my conclusion is this. If you are buying a first rc for someone this would probably be good. It doesn’t take much skill and is very sturdy. For kids who have rc experience I do not recommend it. They get bored with it quickly.

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